she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
