i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
