I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
