Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
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