lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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