I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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