pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
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So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
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Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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