I just cut my nipple shaving
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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