i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
