Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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