I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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