Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
