I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
