you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I will pee on everything he values.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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