So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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