the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
