It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
