Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
