My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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