I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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