Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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