Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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