So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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