If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
