I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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