i was rollin on her like bob the builder
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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