They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
