While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
