i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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