Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I had to cum in my sink.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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