is your mom at the bar?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
