I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
