Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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