Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
