im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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