He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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