70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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