Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
