no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
