two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
