At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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