i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
