I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.