I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh good, I think they're gone
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test