I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.