I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
