What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
