Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
