He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
