Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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