I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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