I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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