Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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