I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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