he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
