but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
