Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
