Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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