my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
