I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
