She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
