I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
