i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
