Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
