i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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