Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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