My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
