It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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