i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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