i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
