I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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