i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
