We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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